Radio Diatribe

Let’s say Sufjan Stevens is indeed gay. Well then, what kind of gay would he be? I mean, does he look like a fem submissive or a straight-acting macho-gay, a bear or a twink, and most importantly, a top or a bottom?

The homoerotic subtext in his songs are mostly too confusing; Sufjan sings he’s really just like “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.,” which I guess means that he’s a top (I am assuming homosexual child molester-murderers are tops), but he tends to portray himself as a passive in a lot of his songs; for example, he sings “I’d give my body to be back again” in the song “To Be Alone With You.”

Sufjan Stevens - a bear or a twink?

I think this is one thing that will remain a mystery even after, I mean if, Sufjan gets outed. I mean, aside from Anderson Cooper, who everyone now knows is a power-bottom, how many openly gay celebrities’ top/bottom/versatile status do you know? A more pertinent question is this: how do I know all these gay stuffs; top, bottom, bear, twink? Could I have caught the gay from reading too much Gawker?

Corrections - January 30, 2006: I have been informed by an acquaintance of mine that Sufjan would be an otter, not bear, as he lacks one of the prerequisites of the beardom: rounds of rolling fat around the belly. I sincerely regret this error.

I spent an hour yesterday to comb through Sufjan Stevens’ songs to see if there’s any homoerotic elements lurking aside from the now-infamous “I am really just like John Wayne Gacy” bit, and to my surprise, I found, like, a gazillion.

Illinois

• “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!” - Oh, I am fast in bed / … / Oh, how I meant to tease him / Oh, how I meant no harm / Touching his back with my hand, I kiss him / … / He was my best friend / into the car, from the backseat / … / I can tell you, I love him each day / though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
• “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts” - Only a real man can be a lover / If he had hands to lend us all over / We celebrate our sense of each other / We have a lot to give one another
• “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.” - And in my best behavior / I am really just like him / Look beneath the floor boards / For the secrets I have hid (note: John Wayne Gacy, Jr. was an Chicago-area pederast who raped and killed at least thirty-three boys.)
• “Come on! Feel the Illinoise!” - I cried myself to sleep last night / and the ghost of Carl, he approached my window
• “The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders” - Carpenter and Soldier, one on one

Michigan

• “Holland” - All the time we spent in bed / … / Fall in love and fall apart / … / Lose our clothes in summertime (note: I think I read somewhere that Sufjan went to some sort of a boarding school in Holland, Michigan)
• “Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)” - Oh God, hold me now / Oh Lord, touch me now
• “For the Widows in Paradise; For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti” - I have called you preacher, I have called you son / I’ll do anything for you, I’ll do anything for you

Seven Swans

• “Size Too Small” - And I still like you, the best man / … / Everything rises, going at it all / All the surprises in a size too small / And what if I told you / I was still in love with this?
• “He Woke Me Up Again” - He came, he came to my bedroom / but I was asleep / He woke me up again to say
• “A Good Man Is Hard to Find” - She was once like me / … / Someone’s left me creased

Non album track

• “To Be Alone With You” - I’d give my body to be back again / … / To be alone with me you went up on the tree / I’ll never know the man who loved me

Sufjan has got to be asking for gay rumors.

According to Measure Map, the following are the people or things on whose name the visitors of this blog performed “<insert name here> gay” seaches so far:

• Sufjan Stevens

I am vigorously investigating Sufjan Stevens’ alleged gayness by listening to all five of his albums and ordering his t-shirts, both types (1)(2).

• Michael Ian Black

Most likely not gay as he has a wife and two children.

• Chuck Palahniuk

Definitely gay, gay, gay.

• Isaac Brock

Has been accused of raping a girl, so not gay?

• Michael Showalter

Was recently dumped by Michelle Williams, so probably not gay. Gawker Stalker, the most accurate source of New York celebrity sightings, reports that he “[l]ooked super skinny and sad” slightly before or on December 2nd. Hmm, he had a bit of belly going on in Stella TV series, which stopped airing only last August, and he is now super skinny. **cough**cocaine**cough**

• NNDB

Still the most comprehensive gay or not database.

According to Google Analytics, these are the keywords generating the most traffic.

Perhaps I should blog exclusively about the possibility of Sufjan Stevens being gay and Maya Rudolph’s baby.

So why do people care if Sufjan Stevens is gay? I thought about this for a while and realized that this is a really stupid question; when people wonder if someone’s gay, it’s always because that someone is:

1. famous,
2. a personal acquintance,
3. a musician, or
4. pretty.

Sufjan qualifies for criteria 1 (although barely), 3, and 4; so naturally, there has to be people out there wondering if he’s gay or not.

Apparently, a lot of people do. According to Measure Map and Google Analytics, approximately half of visitors get here by searching some variation of “sufjan stevens gay.”

This got me wondering: why do people care if Sufjan Stevens is gay, why would they wonder if he is gay in the first place, and why do they come here?

The third one is obvious:

1. This blog is third one down from the top for “sufjan stevens gay” on Google.
2. The first two are completely spurrious hits.
3. NNDB, the most comprehensive “gay or not” database, does not have an entry for Sufjan Stevens.

I’ll try to tackle the first question, why do people care if Sufjan Stevens is gay, in the next entry.

According to my beloved Measure Map tracker, the following keywords are bringing in the most visitors to this blog: “maya rudolph’s baby,” “tokion,” “sufjan stevens gay,” “is isaac brock gay?” and “michael ian black gay.”

Well, my curious visitors, here’s my take on your pertinent questions:

• Maya Rudolph’s baby

The father of Maya Rudolph’s baby daughter, Pearl, is none other than Paul Thomas Anderson, the writer/director of the movie Boogie Nights, as I mentioned previously here. While I found this to be rather surprising (when did he break up with Fiona Apple anyways?), in hindsight, something like this was bound happen.

• Tokion

According to Folio Magazine, Tokion has been sold to the private investor Larry Rosenblum. Oh, and if you are thinking of buying the current issue, the interview with Chloë Sevigny, while quite interesting, steers clear of the Vincent Gallo incident.

• Is Sufjan Stevens gay?

I going to give what I think is the answer whoever searched for this wanted: “Yes, Sufjan Stevens is totally gay and wants to fuck you, like, right now!”

• Is Isaac Brock gay?

Isaac Brock lives in Portland, Oregon. Why is this relevant to the question at all, you ask? Well, you see, Portland is home to Powells Books, one of the best bookstores in North America and also one of the continent’s gayest spot. Seriously, I think I heard totally flam guys lisping something along the line of “I lurve <insert author here>; I used to just breath in his/her writings” to each other at least ten times during the forty minutes I was there. Now, Powells is totally gay, so Portland is totally gay, which then makes Isaac Brock totally gay. Yes, dear visitor, Isaac Brock is totally gay and wants to fuck you, like, right now!

• Is Michael Ian Black gay?

See Wet Hot American Summer and Stella Shorts (You should find “Searching for Santa” the most interesting).