Radio Diatribe

I am going back to Waterloo on the 31st on AC8225 and then on AC156.

Let’s say Sufjan Stevens is indeed gay. Well then, what kind of gay would he be? I mean, does he look like a fem submissive or a straight-acting macho-gay, a bear or a twink, and most importantly, a top or a bottom?

The homoerotic subtext in his songs are mostly too confusing; Sufjan sings he’s really just like “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.,” which I guess means that he’s a top (I am assuming homosexual child molester-murderers are tops), but he tends to portray himself as a passive in a lot of his songs; for example, he sings “I’d give my body to be back again” in the song “To Be Alone With You.”

Sufjan Stevens - a bear or a twink?

I think this is one thing that will remain a mystery even after, I mean if, Sufjan gets outed. I mean, aside from Anderson Cooper, who everyone now knows is a power-bottom, how many openly gay celebrities’ top/bottom/versatile status do you know? A more pertinent question is this: how do I know all these gay stuffs; top, bottom, bear, twink? Could I have caught the gay from reading too much Gawker?

Corrections - January 30, 2006: I have been informed by an acquaintance of mine that Sufjan would be an otter, not bear, as he lacks one of the prerequisites of the beardom: rounds of rolling fat around the belly. I sincerely regret this error.

A: If the writer of the blog refers to his or her writings as “rants” or “ramblings,” you can say with 90% certainty that the blog is lame. The failure to press the back button will make your IQ drop by 10 points.

Facebook has to be most entertaining web site ever. All those ‘tards we see every time we pass through the RCH-Physics-Porter triangle have their profiles on it, explaining in hilarious details what makes their retardation unique.

As much as I find the fact that I go to the same school as these retards frightening, I do find comfort in knowing that most of these ‘tard won’t make it past 2A.

I spent an hour yesterday to comb through Sufjan Stevens’ songs to see if there’s any homoerotic elements lurking aside from the now-infamous “I am really just like John Wayne Gacy” bit, and to my surprise, I found, like, a gazillion.

Illinois

• “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!” - Oh, I am fast in bed / … / Oh, how I meant to tease him / Oh, how I meant no harm / Touching his back with my hand, I kiss him / … / He was my best friend / into the car, from the backseat / … / I can tell you, I love him each day / though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
• “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts” - Only a real man can be a lover / If he had hands to lend us all over / We celebrate our sense of each other / We have a lot to give one another
• “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.” - And in my best behavior / I am really just like him / Look beneath the floor boards / For the secrets I have hid (note: John Wayne Gacy, Jr. was an Chicago-area pederast who raped and killed at least thirty-three boys.)
• “Come on! Feel the Illinoise!” - I cried myself to sleep last night / and the ghost of Carl, he approached my window
• “The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders” - Carpenter and Soldier, one on one

Michigan

• “Holland” - All the time we spent in bed / … / Fall in love and fall apart / … / Lose our clothes in summertime (note: I think I read somewhere that Sufjan went to some sort of a boarding school in Holland, Michigan)
• “Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)” - Oh God, hold me now / Oh Lord, touch me now
• “For the Widows in Paradise; For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti” - I have called you preacher, I have called you son / I’ll do anything for you, I’ll do anything for you

Seven Swans

• “Size Too Small” - And I still like you, the best man / … / Everything rises, going at it all / All the surprises in a size too small / And what if I told you / I was still in love with this?
• “He Woke Me Up Again” - He came, he came to my bedroom / but I was asleep / He woke me up again to say
• “A Good Man Is Hard to Find” - She was once like me / … / Someone’s left me creased

Non album track

• “To Be Alone With You” - I’d give my body to be back again / … / To be alone with me you went up on the tree / I’ll never know the man who loved me

Sufjan has got to be asking for gay rumors.

Last weekend, I got a copy of Wholphin, Dave Eggers’ latest project, along with the specially overpriced December/January issue of The Believer. It wasn’t as good as I expected, but it wasn’t a huge disappoitment either.

Patton Oswalt stares at you for five minutes - one of three possible menus on Wholphin #1

High points

• Tatli Hayat with 5 different subtitles
• Spike Jonze’s Al Gore documentary
• Death of the Hen

Pretentious, but still okay

• The three DVD menus: the staring Patton Oswalt (evolves into an ultra-pretentious short film, if you leave it playing), the Hovercraft, and the backward-singing Dutch dude.

Too fucking pretentious

• Are You the Favorite Person of Anybody? - John C. Reilly is being completely wasted on this pretentious piece of shit.
• The Big Empty - Selma Blair is being completely wasted on this pretentious piece of shit.

Just awful

• The Delicious
• The Writer

Didn’t bother to watch

• House in the Middle
• Soldier’s Pay (excerpt)
• Malek Khorshid

While watching the DVD, I got the impression that none of the materials on the DVD was created originally for Wholphin. Hopefully, the next issue, with original submissions, will be much better.

According to Measure Map, the following are the people or things on whose name the visitors of this blog performed “<insert name here> gay” seaches so far:

• Sufjan Stevens

I am vigorously investigating Sufjan Stevens’ alleged gayness by listening to all five of his albums and ordering his t-shirts, both types (1)(2).

• Michael Ian Black

Most likely not gay as he has a wife and two children.

• Chuck Palahniuk

Definitely gay, gay, gay.

• Isaac Brock

Has been accused of raping a girl, so not gay?

• Michael Showalter

Was recently dumped by Michelle Williams, so probably not gay. Gawker Stalker, the most accurate source of New York celebrity sightings, reports that he “[l]ooked super skinny and sad” slightly before or on December 2nd. Hmm, he had a bit of belly going on in Stella TV series, which stopped airing only last August, and he is now super skinny. **cough**cocaine**cough**

• NNDB

Still the most comprehensive gay or not database.

According to Google Analytics, these are the keywords generating the most traffic.

Perhaps I should blog exclusively about the possibility of Sufjan Stevens being gay and Maya Rudolph’s baby.

I am going back home tomorrow on Air Canada flights AC103 and AC286. Anyone on the same plane?

Via videos.antville.org:

• Honda UK’s new commercial, available for viewing here (low-res Flash), here, (medium-res progressive Quicktime) and here (high-res Flash, w/o the slight sepia tint).
  According to adland, this is the first of two spots for Honda by W+K London. The cost for the two spots is estimated to be over £3 million (or $6 million Canadian). The director Ivan Zacharias is most famous for the Levi’s “French Dictionary” spot featuring Gael Garcia Bernal.
  This has got to be one of the most cinematic commercials ever made.
• The new Gap ad by Spike Jonze, Sofia Coppola’s ex-husband. Available here (low-res Flash, final cut) and here (medium-res progressive Quicktime, director’s cut).
• Trailer from Sofia Coppola’s new movie, Marie-Antoinette. Available here (medium-res Windows Media stream) and here (medium-res progressive Quicktime)
  The New Order song as background music works strangely well. God, I love Sofia Coppola.